It may have been overly obvious how much the writers and producers were really stretching out the three hours on last night’s RAW, but not only did we get another wonderful leaf pile of Daniel Bryan/Kane shtick to leap into, but they managed to take the CM Punk story and...well...
Man, and just when it was starting to get boring too. Freakin’ Paul Heyman and CM Punk! Friends forever! Amazing. I adore this.
And just one week off of Punk having to fight Jerry Lawler – which is sort of bottom-barrel heat seeking. But this? This makes everything better. This makes it all go down smooth. Of course, it’s weird to pair them up so close to a title match that CM Punk seems destined to lose. But now...perhaps...maybe not...with the losing so much? Maybe Punk can retain? I don’t want to get my hopes up. I mean, I don’t know the exact nature of Heyman and Punk’s storyline relationship yet. All I know is that this tweet (and response) makes my eyes piss tears.
It’s all happening. Back during “Pipe Bomb 3:16”, Punk said he was a “Paul Heyman guy.” And people have been wanting these two dynamos to hook up for years. But what Heyman originally said, months back when he reappeared on behalf of Brock, was true. Heyman works best when he’s speaking for a guy who needs help speaking. Punk doesn’t need a mouth (too...many...jokes…). He’s his own Heyman. That being said, I don’t care. Give me ALL THE MOUTHS! (more excerpts from my pre-written eulogy)
Snow Angels.
It seems as though, with Punk facing Cena in Boston at NOC, that the WWE was trying to get some nuclear heat on Punk right quick. So that there, in the very least, would be split crowd in Cena’s hometown. But now, after a RAW in Chicago and a team-up with Heyman? All of that Lawler beating was for naught. Punk was getting cheered last night no matter what. Even when he barfed out typical heel rhetoric like “When you disagree with me, you disrespect me.” Didn’t matter. The crowd was too intellimark. And next week’s RAW is in Canada! That’s not going to help Cena one bit! Anyway. Regardless of whether Punk still winds up losing at NOC, this is all great freakin’ news.
Well, except for the official theme song for NOC. By Kevin “Suuuuuucks” Rudolf and Fred “Still Doing Things Despite All Our Wishes That He Wouldn't” Durst. Yeah, f*** that. And not only are there horrible people behind the writing and producing of the song, it’s also an effing awful song! Like, probably the worst song I’ve ever heard. And I know that those of us who write on the internet would be absolutely nothing without the rampant abuse of hyperbole, but it was truly atrocious. And I only heard a few seconds. Imagine if I’d heard the entire magnum opus? I’ve never felt the need to describe a piece of music as gamey before. I wish I could give it a Yelp review. If that song were an ice cream flavor it would be Uncooked Pork Ripple.
Now, I do understand why Lawler wouldn’t be back doing commentary this week after last week’s match. So why the extra Punk/Lawler brawl at the beginning? That was clearly a brawl and not a sneak attack. In fact, Punk even said that the footage never showed how the fight started. I mean, it wasn’t going to get Punk any heat in Chicago, so why do it? And for the love of...it’s been weeks now, thanks to Lawler and Matthews' various stories -- of Cole doing a solo act at the announce table. I mean, it’s not really any more terrible than him doing it with someone else…but why is it happening? Why the parade of guest commentators? The funny thing is that…when Cole is by himself, and has no one else to bulls*** with, he CALLS THE MATCH! And drops his heel agenda. So – surprise surprise – there is an upside to all of it. For the entire Ziggler vs. Orton match, Cole just played it straight and boring. Which was fantastic, since it meant that I could just enjoy the match. And it was a great match. As was the Del Rio/Cena match at the end. Speaking of Del Rio, someone on Tumblr ships him and Daffney.
I don’t know what sparked this obsession, but I’ll support anyone’s ridiculous shipper fantasies. Sometimes, in this lonely dark world, it’s all we have. Speaking of good news for depressed people...
More from RAW, including Kane and Daniel Bryan's officiated hug match, on page 2...
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